Mr. Bridgemond Highstead imparts a glimpse of his capacities as he responds to the dispatches of imbeciles

Letter upon letter and guest after guest plead for the remedy to this recurring malady; a senior executive, in the haze of inebriation, has acted in a fashion that will surely sink their going concern… If news of the event surfaces…

This is where a Mr. Bridgemond Highstead steps in to the match. As a fellow niche consultant, I heard of him quelling tempests of bad press, the terabytes of drunken video posts he cleansed, and the hordes of courtesans sent merrily on their way with change purses tinkling. Never had I crossed his path. Only amongst his clients, in the blissful wake of his services, had I passed.
Until in Charlotte this fall, a dreadful situation.
The CFO of a public client, having finished a bottle of Armagnac, would turn down no wager!
The least sound wager proffered being the most likely accepted. To win another bottle from Gascony he was to jump from a commandeered limousine at no less than 35 miles per hour. The outcome was predictable, both clavicles broken, facial lacerations, broken nose, broken ribs, and punctured lung. A video earnings call was scheduled in less than 8 hours after his departure from the hospital. How it was known to the parties involved, I do not know, but Bridgemond Highstead was contacted. The investors and analysts never knew why the video call had to be made, audio only. It was due to lack of adequate bandwidth at 30,000 feet, and no one was the wiser. No news ever surfaced, no questions asked. A miscellaneous expense of $125,000 was booked after earnings were reported. That is all.

So in Charlotte this month, amongst the rabble in the South End, we found a place to sit and talk. Both of us were advising the same client. I was their preparing the Director of Internal Audit for a panel discussion, and Bridgemond was there showing the CFO how useful he is at keeping the stock price from plummeting~ Off we go…

VR: Bridgemond, what a pleasure! I had heard you were in Topeka last week, what does one do in Topeka?

BH: Well, I got a call after 4 female HR directors, from 4 different companies, at a leadership conference, set out into the night. Doesn’t sound too bad,… but an assistant overheard them toast their new friendship by taking a tequila shot and yelling in unison “We’re gonna do all the damn coke in Topeka!”

VR: My, what a coincidence – four people with similar tastes for adventure, it is no surprise they became fast friends

BH: It was a simple job. There are only a few places in Topeka these ladies could head, so as I flew in, I already had them located. It was a quick and easy. The only blemishes they may have placed on their respective companies involved these ladies handing out business cards to transient persons. And I distributed enough motivation to make everybody providing or doing blow forget about ever seeing these ladies-

VR: You mentioned flying in, where is your office?

BH: Moose Island is my home, Eastport, Maine. Never more than 5 hours from anywhere in the civilized world if you have a really fast plane.

VR: How would you describe the service you provide? Is it a matter of who you know?

BH: It is that, but more so a matter of taking care of the people I know and knowing how to act around the important people that know me. You know what I mean?

VR: For example?

BH: The owner of the biggest car hauler company in the US, hates looking like a cheapskate and still wishes he was a badass. He just isn’t. He throws a growler party in a suite at a JW Marriott in Tampa. Predictably gets hammered and decides he wants to pull the flat screen off the wall and play foot piano on it like they did in the movie Big. Well, his VP is there and tells him how expensive that’s gonna be, which sets him off, and he grabs the tank cover off of the back of the toilet and smashes the shit out of the suite. Busted growlers, beer everywhere, lamps, shelves, everything is wrecked. I get a call as hotel security is looking through the manual on how to phone the cops. I knew how to take care of the security team at the hotel, and I had a cleaning crew and a Servpro team cleaning that suite and an interior designer there at 2 am making a list. Management at the Marriott felt like I on their staff making problems go away and I was able to distract and deflect the problems away from the bonehead who started the whole thing. That’s what I mean.

VR: What is the most common occurrence for which your services are requested?

BH: Company execs find themselves in a distant locale or resort. They feel safe and release the pressure valve. First an inordinate amount of an intoxicant is consumed. Second, an uncharacteristic bravado leads to either a drunken feat of strength or drunkenly accepting the enticements from an escort plying her trade. Those are the most frequent.

VR: How can people avoid having to call you?

BH: Well when people achieve a certain level of success there comes an air of invincibility. They don’t think about any consequences and are usually coddled and respected. An outburst in the boardroom and a tongue lashing metered out to the marketing director is standard protocol, but when that same exec tries yelling at a stripper in the champagne room and attempts to rebuff the club security,… Well, that is when I am called. I can fly that executive to the best periodontist in the country to replace his busted out teeth that same night.

VR: If I am ever sailing upon the Bay of Fundy, I would love to meet again and share a Brandy

He didn’t acknowledge my pleasantry and looked only at his phone. He doled out a half nod, and off he went. I can only imagine what mishap lay waiting.

~The Viceroy~