“I was tired of just being one of the squares” -Scotch Londonderry

As teased, I have the much anticipated interview with former audit partner, Scotch Londonderry. I decided, at the behest of his attorney, to misconstrue the spelling of his name and withhold the firm for which he rendered his disservice. For those amongst my readership that are not familiar with this tale of woe, be it known that this is the tale of an audit partner selling privileged and confidential client information. This heinous act and wanton besmirching of the good name of our profession resulted in his conviction on federal charges. What did he gain in trading public company results? Some cash, a vacation or two, and a Rolex. He is now incarcerated in the federal penitentiary in Mendota, California.
Many of us have been led to believe that his criminality was for financial gain, others believe it was a well choreographed self destruction. The truth is actually much less believable.
Onward-

The Rencontre

The federal penitentiary is located in the dried out central valley forty-five minutes from Fresno, California. At the gate I met Mr. Simon-Pierre Noboulo, a Congolese gentleman, and the attorney for Scotch Londonderry. Mr. Noboulo was dressed like a circus ringmaster, sweaty, and eating from a bag of curious dried treat. Mr. Noboulo caught my gaze upon his snack, and whispered, “Bushmeat, it cools the body.”

So, into the medium security federal penitentiary, through a series of gates, searches, and safety questions with administrative persons until, there, in a plain room sat Scotch Londonderry. He was playing air-piano on the table as I sat and started to record.

The Viceroy(VR): Good afternoon Scotch, I am grateful for you granting me this interview.

Scotch Londonderry (SL): OK, yeah, I bet, grateful (chuckles)… and in here, nobody calls me Scotch

Simon-Pierre Noboulo (SPN): (interrupting) After sentencing, my client sought a prison consultant to offer us much useful advice.

SL: Worth every penny, I had to prepare my mind for this experience. So I watched a shit-ton of Oz, Prison Break, Shawshank, and the Sons of Anarchy prison episodes… most of those are downers so I watched Jailhouse Rock about 14 times, Elvis is a friggin’ legend on the inside. Also, the consultant recommended a hard ass prison name-

VR: Scotch, how intriguing, what name did you choose?

SL: I was given a few choices like ShankLord or Rhinohorn but I chose PainWizard… which fit like a pair of silk socks.

VR: Obviously… please, explain to our profession, what pushed away from the fold?

SL: After years of the same clients and signing off on bullshit financials, I was tired of just being one of the squares. A switch went off in my mind, BOOM, I was now in it for the kicks… I was ready to wheel and deal and exist in my own reality…

VR: That sounded practiced. Isn’t that the line you regurgitated for the judge at your sentencing?

SL: Shit yeah, word for word, as a matter of fact I have another one I use… (clears his throat)When my cup runneth over, it’s time to bust some heads.

VR: Have you recited that last one, whilst actually in prison?

SL: Yup, playing Monopoly in the activities room, on my first day here, I needed to be bold to render PainWizard valid. It made heads turn, in respect.

VR: I can only imagine,… at what point were you aware that the FBI was on to your insider trading scheme?

SL: Well, the timing was horrific, I was entertaining clients at a Chuck E. Cheese in San Clemente.
The Feds called my cell phone- I hung up – They sent a text – I deleted it – I knew my sauce was scorched when they paged me on my insider trading beeper. I flipped out, how could they get my beeper number? I threw my beeper off an overpass and hit a kid on a bicycle. I had never expected to cause so much pain….

VR: To your colleagues, friends and family?

SL: Pssshh, hell no, Occam’s razor bro! They were just adding too many variables. Like that high dollar watch. I tried to flush that Rolex, but it was too damn heavy and wouldn’t go. Everything was falling apart AND I left like thirty thousand Chucky tickets back in San Clemente.

VR: You were a broken man.

SL: Rock bottom, and completely in shambles…

VR: There was a photo taken by the FBI of you, in a parking lot, receiving a package from an acquaintance of yours. This photo was used to convict you. Why did you choose to make cash drops in a VONS parking lot? (His attorney interjects before I finish my question)

SPN: My client, on condition of his sentencing and at risk of further prosecution, cannot confirm or deny that he was the individual, in Fedora and trench coat, exchanging mailed items with an FBI informant!

SL: Get off it Simon-Pierre… Yes, that cloak and dagger shit was all me, and it was a rush. I felt like I was Jason Bourne and Rudy Ruettiger at the same time. I have no earthly idea how they tracked me down…

VR: The FBI informant testified that in order to get the most incriminating photographs possible, he would ask you to always face south when he handed you the package?

SL: What? Is that a loaded question? You are in my world! You are talking to the PainWizard, remember? I am done with you, one day you will acknowledge my struggle! (Takes a deep breath) Did my therapist put you up to this?

VR: No-

SL: Whatever, I’m done. (Loudly, to the officer sitting at a desk) Take me back to my cell!

Officer: (not looking up from his Field & Stream) Take yourself Scotch, it’s rec time, in the activities room.

And that was it. Scotch Londonderry leaned over, whispered something that sounded like “chupacabra” to his attorney, and headed off to play Monopoly. This fallen audit partner now has a new engagement – as the PainWizard.